How to stop fighting over chores: the ADHD-friendly system that saved our sanity
Reading time: 6 minutes
If you feel like chores are a constant battlefield in your home, you’re not alone. And the good news is, there’s a way out.
As an ADHD coach who brought my years of managing complex corporate projects straight into my home (and coaching practice), I've helped countless couples and roommates split responsibilities more fairly... and protect their relationships along the way.
Over the years, I've heard the same struggles over and over again:
Annoyance that the other person folds the laundry, loads the dishwasher, or generally does chores "the wrong way"
Frustration over needing to remind (and remind again) to take out the trash
Shame over feeling resentful about doing more housework than the other person
Anger at a partner leaving socks, papers, dishes, and clutter all over
Guilt from letting dishes pile up, in the hopes that the other person will finally step in
You name it, I've probably heard it before. And I’ve also been there more times than I care to admit.
But that shifted for my husband and I a few years ago, when we built what we now call The System. And I will teach you how to make these (unnecessary) clashes a thing of the past.
The conversation that will bring you closer together
First, I encourage you to sit down with your partner or roommate and talk openly about what "dirty" and "tidy" mean to each of you. Because we all have different levels of tolerance for messiness.
This was the first eye-opener in our journey:
My husband needs visual cues to remember what to do. Bill came? It will lie on the table so he remembers to pay it. New lamp arrived? It will lie in the hallway until we have time to install it (it took us two years to install it - ended up in the basement after a 2 weeks hallway residency, where we forgot about it).
I need a place where everything has a designated "home" and countertops and floorspace are free of clutter. That's because clutter overstimulates my senses and hijacks my focus (hello, ADHD!). Here's how it plays out:
> I go to the kitchen to refill my water bottle, see the unpaid bill and forget where I was headed.
> On the way to pay the bill, I see the lamp and I might pick up my phone to finally block time in our calendar for the lamp.
> As soon as I pick up my phone, I see one or two messages on WhatsApp - off to speak to mom!
I manage to get almost nothing done when my environment is cluttered. But I intend to, so I start a lot of things.
On top of this, we both have a different definition of dirty. For me, crumbs on the countertop = the kitchen is dirty. He doesn't even notice the crumbs.
So when I got upset that the kitchen was dirty and blamed him for not cleaning up after himself, he was genuinely confused because he hadn’t noticed the few crumbs on the countertop in an otherwise spotless kitchen.
This unknown difference in how we both perceived our environment led to countless arguments at the beginning of our living together. Especially as at that time we lived in a much smaller apartment and we were at home all the time (remember the lockdowns?). But we found our way, and I hope this will help you too.
But before I share The System with you, here’s a quick note for those relationships where only one of you has ADHD:
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Now... If you're in a relationship where one of you has ADHD and the other doesn't, chances are you're probably arguing about chores more than others. And there are a few reasons for it:
ADHD means executive dysfunction: trouble organizing, prioritizing, and remembering what needs to be done.
ADHD also means time blindness, that wonderful trait that can make you ask "Did I change the bedsheets last week, or last month?"
ADHD (the inattentive type, especially) sometimes can show up together with hoarding disorder. One study¹ found that 20% of ADHD-ers have clinically significant hoarding symptoms (vs. approx. 2% in control groups)
ADHD can also mean intense emotional reactions to real or perceived rejection. The additional stress caused by arguments over chores can lead to a cycle of overwhelm, which can increase the intensity of ADHD symptoms.
... and the partner without ADHD tends to step in and take ownership of most of the tasks, which can lead to a feeling of resentment or behaviors that their partners will label "nagging".
The ADHD-er’s behavior is not an intentional sloppiness, messiness, or laziness. I am yet to find the ADHD-er who isn't really trying their best, trying incredibly hard to overcome all of this (like buying a zillion planners in the hope that finally they'll find the magic one that will help them get organized). Usually, the cause is an underlying symptom. As an ADHD-er: find out which and treat it. As the partner, understand this to turn blame into teamwork.
So I am hoping the system below will help you, as it helped us and tens of other couples that have tried it.
Now let’s dive into The System. Here's where your inner project manager comes out:
Step 1: Build your ultimate chore list
Together, write down every single household task you can think of, broken down into steps.
This means stuff like "doing laundry" will be split into the smallest steps: separate laundry, load washing machine, hang laundry, fold & put away laundry.
At the end, you'll have a loooooong list. And trust me: seeing it all on paper is worth it, because you'll see there's lots each of you does that the other might not even notice.
Step 2: Estimate time and energy
For each task, write down:
How often it happens (daily, weekly, x times a year)
How long the task takes (the minimum for a task is 5 minutes, even if it takes less, because switching tasks takes time)
If a task is particularly dreadful and you're an ADHD-er, double or even triple the time you allocate to it. So if you HATE cleaning the cat fountain, instead of 10, make 30 minutes a week.
This way, you allow yourself time to build up the motivation to actually get going on the task (because ADHD is not a problem of not knowing what to do, but of having the neurotransmitters necessary to act on what we know we want to do).
Your list should now look something like this:
Clean litterbox - daily - 5 min
Mow lawn - 4x/year - 240 min
Loading/unloading the dishwasher - daily - 10 min
Washing laundry - 2x/week - 60 min
Folding laundry - 2x/week - 30 min
Step 3: Divide and conquer (fairly)
Now it's time to figure out who does what. Ask each other:
Which chore do you hate least (I am yet to find the person who loves scrubbing the toilet)?
Which chore do you not mind...or even like doing?
Which do you both dread (and might need to alternate or do together)?
For example, I don't mind sorting, washing, and hanging the laundry, but I hate folding it. My husband feels the opposite. So we split: I wash and hang, he folds. Easy.
Once you divvy things up, add up the time each of you spends over a week, month, or year. It doesn’t have to be perfectly even, but it should feel fair to both of you. That’s what keeps resentment from bubbling up later.
Step 4: Decide what you can automate or delegate
You might find that some tasks are soul-sucking for both of you. If possible, automate or delegate them.
For example, my husband and I both hate washing windows. We tried. We procrastinated. We argued. Then we hired someone. It costs a bit, but the peace it buys is priceless.
As for automations, there’s plenty that can be done: having pet food delivered on a subscription, for example, can save you a monthly trip to the pet shop.
If you can afford it, think of it as an ADHD-friendly accommodation.
Step 5: Make technology your chore assistant
Use your preferred app or planner to set up repeating tasks with assigned days and people (e.g.: Carmen does laundry every Wednesday; Husband mows the lawn every first Saturday of the month).
If you’re not sure what app to use, I recommend ToDoist. We liked it because it allows us to:
Only see the tasks assigned to us (I only see my tasks; he only sees his)
Only see the tasks due today (this way, I don’t get overwhelmed)
Have an automatic reminder of what’s coming next without needing to remember to remind the other (goodbye nagging!)
Honestly, checking tasks off Todoist became one of my favorite dopamine boosts. I even use it for setting my daily priorities and remembering to call friends.
Review regularly and keep the conversation going
Your first draft won’t be perfect. And that’s okay! Just check in after a couple of weeks:
Did you estimate the frequency and time needed correctly?
Are there new tasks popping up?
Do you need to rebalance the workload?
This list is a living document. A little tweaking now and then keeps everything running smoothly.
And if this sounds easy or difficult, know this: taking the time to build your system is one of the best investments you can make in your relationship.
Yes, it might spark some tough conversations about what’s fair, but it will save you so much energy and resentment in the long run. And I'm not saying this lightly:
Earlier today, when I told my husband I wanted to write about this, both of us were struggling to remember when we last argued about household duties.
We could not remember even one argument in the past 4 years (since we implemented The System).
Ready to reclaim peace in your home?
If you’re ready to stop fighting about chores and start enjoying your home again, here's how I can help:
If you want support figuring out how to approach this topic on your own, I’d be happy to coach you through it.
If you want support in the process, reach out. You don't need to do this alone. I can facilitate this discussion for you.
If you just want a head start, drop a comment. I’ll send you our list as inspiration.
Now tell me: how do you split chores at home? What tools or systems do you use? Let’s swap ideas!
[1] Morein-Zamir S, Kasese M, Chamberlain SR, Trachtenberg E. Elevated levels of hoarding in ADHD: A special link with inattention. J Psychiatr Res. 2021 Dec 13;145:167-174. doi: 10.1016/j.jpsychires.2021.12.024. Epub ahead of print. PMID: 34923357; PMCID: PMC7612156.